For five years, I was with my boyfriend, and I thought our relationship was going perfectly. Two years ago, I lost my mother after a short, sudden illness. She was my best friend, and it devastated me. I felt like I was moving through the days in a fog, and even though I managed to work, I felt completely isolated from everything. I ate a lot for comfort and gained some weight. My boyfriend provided emotional support after my mother’s death, but after about six months, he started making comments about my appearance. It started with “well-intentioned” suggestions like exercising together or using a personal trainer at my gym, but I had no desire to work out. My weight wasn’t a priority for me, and although he initially expressed it gently, it was clear that he wanted me to lose weight, which made me feel worse and trapped in a cycle of compulsive eating. Over time, he began to distance himself from me, stopped being physically affectionate, and only offered support related to exercise, never asking how I felt or what I needed emotionally. I felt terrible and misunderstood.
Finally, I started seeing a therapist whom I could talk to about my mom, and it helped. Over the past few months, I have started to feel a little better. Grief still comes in waves, but it’s more manageable now. I started exercising regularly and lost some weight, and my boyfriend has become very complimentary and affectionate again. I know it’s normal that we weren’t at our best when I wasn’t at my best, but I also have a lot of doubts and dissatisfaction about how he made me feel in my body during grief. If this hadn’t happened, I think we would have gotten engaged soon, but I’m confused. I don’t know if I’m being unfair or making a big deal out of it.
I don’t think you’re being unfair. It’s understandable that you’re examining how someone treated you during a difficult and sensitive time when considering spending the rest of your life with them, and wondering if they are the person you want to face other challenges in life with.
A red flag that may seem concerning and worries me is that your boyfriend seemed to make his love, affection, and kindness conditional on your weight. Physical attraction in a long-term relationship may ebb and flow, there may be periods of increased desire and higher libido – but if you’re considering a lifetime together, uncontrolled attraction cannot and should not be the deciding factor for the relationship, and it cannot and should not be the determining factor for treating your partner with kindness, respect, and tenderness.
Life is long, bodies change, people get injured or fall ill, have children, and their lifestyles and priorities may shift. If you want to marry someone, you have to commit to loving and supporting your partner and being there for them in these potential and inevitable changes. If your partner is unable or unwilling to do that, it shows that his love, respect, and kindness are conditional, that you have to remain attractive to him. And while some people may be content living according to an arbitrary standard of attractiveness defined by someone else, I honestly don’t want that for you or anyone else. It speaks to a very particular value system that feels superficial to me, and if you’re thinking about marriage and hoping to have a partner who will support you through difficult times, illness, pregnancy, raising children, and the changes that come with it, I’m afraid that prioritizing your boyfriend’s looks and attraction above all else disqualifies him from that role.
Physical attraction may have some degree of autonomy from our will, it may be that he subconsciously decided you were more attractive when you were slimmer – but kindness, respect, emotional support, and tenderness? Those are actions and decisions. You decide whether you’re kind to someone, whether you ask your sad partner how they’re feeling and how you can support them, whether you hug them, kiss them, and compliment them – and it seems like he decided to stop doing that when you were at your most vulnerable. Of course, you have doubts.
However, I would like to give your boyfriend some benefit of the doubt, simply because there are possibilities worth considering. I don’t know how your grief or low self-esteem manifested, and I wonder if it’s possible that you also emotionally or physically withdrew from him. It would be fully understandable in your state of grief, but it’s possible that he tried to take cues from you, didn’t initiate such tenderness because he felt you didn’t want it as much. Now that you’re feeling a little better emotionally, it may turn out that you’re more open to compliments and physical affection.
I’ll also argue until the end of my life that if someone doesn’t explicitly ask you for help in losing weight, exercising, or going to the gym, it seems like an offer full of body criticism. A more open-ended question like “What could comfort or support you right now?” is always better. But from your letter, it seems that exercise plays a role in your life and that it brings you joy when you feel mentally and emotionally well. Being exceptionally generous to your boyfriend, I wonder if he was concerned that you had stopped doing something that brings you joy and saw a decline in your self-esteem due to the changes in appearance.
FAQ:
1. What is grief?
Grief is an emotional and psychological process in which a person experiences the loss of a loved one. It is a natural response to death and can involve feelings of sadness, anxiety, pain, and longing.
2. How does grief affect relationships?
Grief can test a relationship as one partner may be emotionally and psychologically wounded by the loss. This can lead to changes in the relationship and conflicts when partners don’t understand each other’s needs and feelings.
3. Is it normal for a partner to criticize the other person’s appearance during grief?
Criticism of appearance during grief can be harmful and lead to feelings of misunderstanding and low self-esteem for the grieving individual. A partner should be emotionally supportive and respect their partner’s needs and feelings during this difficult time.
4. What are important values in a relationship?
Important values in a relationship include kindness, respect, emotional support, and tenderness. Love should be independent of appearance and conditional. Partners should support each other in various aspects of life, despite changes and difficulties.
5. How can communication and understanding be improved in a relationship during grief?
Improving communication and understanding in a relationship during grief involves listening to each other’s needs and feelings, being empathetic and supportive, and seeking professional help if necessary. Open and honest communication is key to navigating grief together.
The source of the article is from the blog oinegro.com.br